Is it worth it?

Chris,

Shu Ha Ri is a learning philosophy used in Aikido and taught in Agile training. You start out in Shu learning from the master, copying what they do. Then you progress to Ha, where you start to realize when the book or master don't work right and you change the practice. Ri is when you are so experienced, you are the rules, they are a part of you and you are now them.

In middle school we had a photography lesson. I took a picture of a flower on a tree that I got complimented on. It came at a time when I was desperate for something to call my own so I took up photography. I learned the rule of thirds, leading lines, tonal ranges, and ins and outs of the zone system. I got a decent scholarship to a big art school from my work.

I failed out of art school. Drawing, 3d art, the pre-requisite classes were foreign languages to me and my grades reflected that. In my Photo classes the turn around on getting in shots was too much for me. The Color Theory course I couldn't complete the mandatory lesson in paint mixing cause I am colorblind. Photography is still a hobby of mine and I'm happy it stays that way. I failed though, some of it my fault some of it happenstance.

"It was me against the world
I was sure that I'd win
The world fought back
punished me for my sins"
Social Distortion (I was wrong)

I bring this up cause I had the same feeling pop up when I moved halfway across the country to take on a Scrum Master job. A corporate job, me with no experience in software on my resume, no degree, and no clue what I was doing. I grew up talking with developers and knew how to translate what they were working on into understandable metaphors. My personal imposter syndrome hit me so hard I'd cry myself to sleep spiraling over failing this too.

I dedicated myself to not letting art school repeat itself. I read every book on the market on Scrum, Agile, and anything about my job. The natural churn of Scrum Masters was happening so I came in during a transition of staff, otherwise I'd have shadowed everyone I could. I got certified in a wave of reassurance since I was more familiar with the concepts than anyone else in the class. I was ready for my first team. I was confident in my Shu.

My product owner took me out for lunch. Over some tacos he told me how my position wasn't useful for the team. Scrum Masters aren't helpful for delivering products, they don't do anything and while it was nice I was there, my job was pointless. He didn't even mean it in a malicious way, like he was explaining male nipples they're just there lets move on. I took what he said in stride and started embedding myself with the team.

The product owner would change over in that constant flux any company has. The new Product Owner and I would clash over process decisions with neither us coming out well. I did learn to defend the team from those discussions and allow them the space to complete the work they needed to do without getting bogged down in process decisions. My imposter syndrome hadn't left me and after each of those conversations I'd be doing even more research on making sure I was right, including going back to school online for a degree in IT Management.

It was a battle over the next years, for every discovery I'd make another problem would surface and another person would show up to block me from doing what I had learned. The books I was reading and things I was studying got more abnormal. If Scrum is a holocratic team where there is no leader how do other places without leaders make decisions? Quaker Faith and Practice meeting for business was a big lesson for me in how to take notes and let discussions happen without as much gridlock. My teams were getting better at delivering products and communicating with one another. I had reached Ha. I was getting what I wanted done and learned when I needed and when I didn't need the book. Lots of people took credit for all the progress and I was happy to see each of them grow with the seeds of ideas I'd planted.

"Do they owe us a living?
Of course they do.
Of course they do.
Of course they fucking do!"
Crass (Do they owe us a Living)

The fights I'd have to have to keep my teams delivering took their toll on me. I wasn't going to grow in the company. A slew of rejections for new positions or promotions I realized the price I had to pay to make progress for my team. I took a position back home for a new company.

I could tell I was changing as a person. The move out, the new job, brought with it a girlfriend now turned wife. The more I learned about conflict resolution and how to find common ground the more it incensed her to reach for more and resent me. "Don't you dare use that Scrum shit on me this is what I want and we're going to do it this way." Our marriage counselor taking my side on our intimacy issues was a heavy attribute to why we would wind up getting divorced after the move back home. We weren't happy for a number of other reasons. She was into her hobbies, not our marriage. I was too - the learning to do my job had taken over my life. I realize that trying to port what I was learning and becoming because of work was changing who I was as a person and that didn't fit my marriage for good or bad.

The new job back home would be short lived but reassuring. I wound up getting a doomed team that I was setup to fail with. Having the loved previous Scrum Master train me before getting fired wouldn't endear me to being able to help the team. Sequestered to a corner of the company where I had nothing to do I started talking with the upper level managers of the scrum masters and helping how I could with them. It became clear that I knew what I was talking about, the areas given to me were not solvable by anyone. So I was good at the job just not given the room to perform. The company would reorganize and not due to anyone person the entire program would end. A layoff of 500 people took me and my recruitment company with it. My job was one of the ones that got told they weren't useful.

This would start a pattern of jobs. Each would last around nine months then the company would go in one of two directions. They would have a massive layoff where my job would be deemed unnecessary. They would add so much extra work to my job that there was no way for me to carry out my duties. One job was hiring for seven positions that they wanted me to do my duties and those as well before they convert me from a contractor. This would lead to finding a new job.

Job searching is the second most ego bruising thing I've ever done. Outside stand up comedy there is no more brutal form of performance than submitting and interviewing. Here is everything I pride myself on in two sheets please review it and tell me if you think I'm worthy. Take these skills that I've built over a lifetime and deem them worthy of paying me for. I finished my bachelors degree, and after each of the layoffs I'd add a certification to add to my resume saying please choose me.

Each of those job rejection emails, is a scar on my soul. "It's not you just what you do what you've devoted yourself to." Each layoff without thinking about what I add to a company or worse undervaluing it is another scar. I'm in ri of being a process manager, I'm more than a Scrum Master I know that now. The world however doesn't seem to be a place that finds what is key to a company to be successful people that work together valuable. I am battling with severe depression exacerbated because of all of this. If what I do is needed but not wanted how do I survive?

"The next time I create the universe, I'll make sure we communicate at length
Oh yeah
But until then
Better off Dead
A smile on the lips and a hole in the head
Better off dead
Yeah.
Better than this
Take it away cause there is nothing to miss."
Bad Religion (Better Off Dead)

During these cycles Chris you got your first management job. We'd have long talks about your nerves on the position and whether you were doing the right thing or not. We had disagreements but you'd listen to the big parts of what I was saying. We still have disagreements that's what this letter is for.

You asked some weeks ago was it worth it? I have helped people and I can see that in the individuals who are more productive with what they do. I have a calling that I love I've found my why. I've lost relationships, I can't keep a job, and I've lost most of my sanity from it. I love what I do, when I get to do it.